Prayer: The Ultimate Conversation
The Book - Prayer: The Ultimate Conversation by Charles F. Stanley
I started reading Charles F. Stanley’s book at least six or seven years ago and put it down when I was about halfway through. I’m not sure why, but I suspect it has to do with the dual pull I often experience of wanting to pray and struggling to do so.
Stanley was well-versed in the topic of prayer. He was engaging and provided both personal and biblical examples throughout as he explained prayer as “the ultimate conversation” with God. His passion for everyone to have a close, personal relationship with God is clear on every page of the book. His desire for everyone to engage with God in prayer as a conversation is the foundation of everything he writes.
I encourage you to read the book for yourself, but I would like to highlight a couple of sections that we may overlook: recognizing God’s voice (listening) and silence.
Before we get to that, we need to think about the characteristics of good communication, because that is essentially what prayer is–communicating with God and He with us. Think about what you value when you are trying to have a conversation with another person. Consider what causes you to struggle in conversation.
One element that I struggle with in conversation is when people are clearly not paying attention: their responses are non-specific, their tone is distant, and their facial expressions and body language are unfocused or uninterested. Another thing I find off-putting is when they do not allow me to formulate my thoughts and either speak over me or express impatience (often, again, through body language). Finally, I dislike it when I try to be vulnerable and open, only for my concerns or struggles to be dismissed.
On the other hand, when the other person shows they are both physically and mentally present and are clearly engaged with what I am saying, then I feel seen and heard. When I am given time to formulate my thoughts or clarify what I mean, I can more easily trust that I can be vulnerable and open with them. When I am allowed to share my opinion without the other person becoming defensive, I feel safe to express myself.
Communication is hard. Each of us has our own experiences and knowledge shaping how we view reality. We bring our own expectations, strengths, and weaknesses to any encounter. To try to engage with another, then, can be fraught with misunderstandings and hurt feelings.
Each of us struggles to express ourselves clearly and to feel truly seen and heard. We carry these things with us into our relationship with God, too. I know that how I view Him is often a by-product of my relationships and interactions with others and my experiences with the world. This can make it hard to recognize God’s voice, to be open with Him, to put our confidence in Him and His character, and to hear Him when He speaks.
So where do we start? Stanley recommends that we begin by learning to hear God through His Word. God’s Word familiarizes us with His character and ways and gives us His viewpoint. We must pursue God’s voice and expect to hear from Him. Stanley writes, “God speaks to you and me through every situation, but hearing Him is dependent upon our anticipating and paying attention to His instruction” (76). This all circles back to the idea that we can hear and recognize God’s voice. This happens when we choose to be “active, attentive, and purposeful” listeners (74).
We will never hear Him, though, if we never stop talking. We will never learn to distinguish His voice from the world’s messages if we do not spend time learning who He is. How do we do this? We must be intentional about pursuing God. We spend time in His Word, we expect God to show up, we submit our will to God’s and obey Him, and we wait.
As the saying goes, Rome was not built in a day, nor is our relationship with God. Our culture's demand for instant gratification makes it difficult for us to wait. We want answers now. We expect results now. Why should we wait? Well, we wait because in the waiting, God is still working. Stanley writes, “As you wait patiently for the Father, He is making you stronger, building you up, and working on your behalf” (86). Where we think there is nothing, God is most certainly present and active.
Stanley writes, “If the Father is quiet, then most likely there is something significant He desires to teach you, and He wants you to listen” (177). He goes on to suggest that God’s silence is to get our attention, to prepare us for obedience, to reveal our sin, to grow our trust, to train us to hear Him, and/or to teach us to persevere. I definitely believe more than one of those will be true at the same time. Stanley concludes, “The truth of the matter is, every time of silence, trial, challenge, or need the Lord allows us to experience carries with it an opportunity for us to learn something from Him” (185). God’s silence does not mean He is ignoring us; it may be the wake-up call for us to pay more attention to Him.
The things I dislike in conversation–being ignored, dismissed, or treated impatiently–do not happen with God, but I do them to Him. At times, I am ashamed to admit, I am like a toddler throwing a tantrum. It’s not pretty. The doubts and fears that rise convict me of my lack of confidence in God. I do not trust as I should. Many times, I find myself praying the plea from the gospels: “‘I do believe; help my unbelief!’” (Mark 9:24).
God is safe and trustworthy. We can fully trust Him to see us and know us, even at our lowest. He has shown us that time and time again through the Bible, through history, and through our own experiences–if we have the eyes to see and the ears to hear. Psalm 139 reminds us:
Lord, you have searched me and known me.
You know when I sit down and when I stand up;
you understand my thoughts from far away.
You observe my travels and my rest;
you are aware of all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue,
you know all about it, Lord.
You have encircled me;
you have placed your hand on me. (1-5)
God knows us fully, better than we know ourselves, even. He still looks out for us, protects us, and loves us–even if we have messed up. Through the prophet Isaiah, God reminds Israel: Because you are precious in my sight/and honored, and I love you,/I will/give people in exchange for you/and nations instead of your life” (43:4). Because of Christ, we have been adopted into God’s family, and what He thought of Israel then, He still thinks of us now. We are seen, known, heard, and loved.
Prayer is the ultimate conversation we can have with God. He is for us always; we are allowed to draw near to Him and bring Him every concern and care. But God wants more than our list of worries, fears, and wants. After all, He is no genie in a lamp. He desires our wholehearted love and devotion. God wants us to recognize Him for who He is and how He works in us and the world. We can start by having a conversation with Him.
To learn more about Dr. Charles F. Stanley (1932-2023) and his legacy, you can go here to read about him and his ministry, In Touch Ministries.
A Practice - The Daily Examen
There are endless prayer practices we could cover in this section, but I kept coming back to the Examen as the practice for this month. But as I was writing the blog, I realized that this practice ties in perfectly with the ideas from Dr. Stanley’s book.
The Examen is a daily reflection prayer that takes about 15 minutes. MaryKate Morse, in her A Guidebook to Prayer, writes, “In reflective prayer, we invite God to give us God’s image of our day. We invite God to review our day, thoughts, actions and encounters for God’s wisdom and insights” (87). She further adds, “The purpose of reflection prayer is to deepen our life in Christ by discerning God’s movement throughout our day and aligning ourselves with God’s purposes” (88). The Examen continually brings our focus and attention back to where it properly belongs, on God.
The Examen was initially developed by St. Ignatius of Loyola for the Jesuit priesthood as a way to recognize God in all things and listen to and for Him throughout the day. It was further developed by brothers John and Charles Wesley, who created questions for the day’s reflection.
Morse suggests the following format to participate in the Examen:
Step One: Quiet yourself and remember you are in God’s presence.
Step Two: Ask God the Holy Spirit to help you review your day.
Step Three: Reflect with gratitude on the good gifts of the day, the people, places, events.
Step Four: Review your day asking yourself (1) when did I love and (2) when did I not love? Or (1) when did I experience God and (2) when did I not?
Step Five: Resolve with Jesus any pattern or concern that arose from the examination. Pray for your needs for tomorrow. (89)
Father Mark E. Thibodeaux, SJ suggests the following format in his book, Reimagining the Ignatian Examen. In addition to the following steps, he provides 34 variations of Examens to use on any given day.
1. Give thanksgiving.
2. Ask for the Spirit.
3. Review and recognize failures.
4. Ask for forgiveness and healing.
5. Pray about the next day.
Now, for my favorite resource by Tsh Oxenreider. A couple of years ago, Tsh wrote a gratitude and reflection journal called First Light and Eventide. She has yet again, a slightly different take on the Examen, but the concept is the same. I started using the journal last spring, when I desperately needed to see God in every day. I have since adopted the questions she uses in the journal and regularly use them for reflection in my journal. I can say with certainty that I see God and myself more clearly as a result of this practice.
Another resource:
Journey with Jesus: Discovering the Spiritual Exercises of Saint Ignatius by Larry Warner - This is not a book that I have read, but it was a listed resource in both of the handbooks that I used when researching the Examen practice.
