Prayer in the Everyday
The Books - Pray Confidently and Consistently by Valerie Woerner and Praying Like Monks, Living Like Fools by Tyler Staton
I fear failure.
I fear messing up, getting things wrong, and disappointing people.
So, I wait. I wait until I know more. I wait until I’m sure I won’t get it wrong. I wait until I’m sure no one could possibly get mad at me.
Am I a people-pleaser and perfectionist? Yes. Are these things negatives? Not necessarily. But they are problematic when they keep me stymied, when they keep me from trusting God and moving forward with all he has for me.
How does this fit with prayer, you might ask?
Well, my fear of getting things wrong or messing up often keeps me from praying at all.
I’ll pray before meals or when I’m especially worried or scared about something, but a regular conversation with God where I share anything and everything–not so much.
In her book Pray Confidently and Consistently, Valerie Woerner examines the “weights” that keep us from a fulfilling prayer life with God. Regarding the idea of perfectionism, she writes, “I believe the ‘right’ or ‘perfect’ way to pray is far less logistical than we’d assume and has more to do with our heart posture than our specific words or methods. I think a few things are key: We come humbly, we confess often, and we have faith” (20).
First, humility before God is always a must. We have to remember that He is God and we, most certainly, are not. But more than that, He also needs to be our focus during prayer, not ourselves. In confession, we acknowledge before our all-knowing God that we have messed up, and we still need Him. We cannot hide ourselves from Him. Lastly, we must have faith. We must believe that God hears us and can and will act.
As she ends her examination of the weight of perfectionism, Woerner writes, “We can spend more time falling in love with who God is and how worthy he is of our faith than being distracted by our doubts and secret attempts to solve problems on our own” (32). Anyone else, besides me, who tries to take control? I’m slightly embarrassed to think about how often I refuse to ask for help because I think I can do it. Do we ever really grow out of the toddler mentality?
But what does that actually reveal about us? In her discussion on surrender and control, Woerner says, “The big things we hold back reveal what we’re too scared not to control. The small things we hold back reveal what we don’t think God would bother with anyway” (57). Fear and insecurity and rejection–that’s what gets revealed.
For approximately the past 14 years, I have dealt with depression, and often anxiety at the same time. I do believe that I have experienced a form of “remission” from both at times, but they still recur regularly. Over time, I have learned tools to manage symptoms and developed habits to offset or even prevent the worst of them.
One tendency that I have nurtured is controlling my environment (to the best of my ability). I need structure in a way that I cannot always explain, and it can make me rather rigid in how I approach life. Structure, discipline, and predictability are not bad things by any means. In fact, their absence can be quite detrimental, but I have internalized the lesson a little too well. I think if I can organize things just so, then nothing should go wrong. It’s my own way of trying to play God. It is not easy for me to relax my grip and instead give it to the God who actually knows the future and also has our best interests at heart.
Another tendency that I have developed is a bone-deep desire not to be “too much”. In the midst of my bouts with depression and anxiety, I will feel overwhelmingly needy for attention, affection, assurance, take your pick. As I said, I’m a people-pleaser, so I definitely don’t want to disappoint anybody, even if it's at the expense of my health or sanity. Boundaries, what are those? It is easy to forget who I am as a child of God, with access to a Father who never turns me away, never thinks I'm too much, and always, always loves me.
Don’t worry, I am in counseling. However, I think some of these tendencies also reveal how I have limited God in my life. I have made use of the many tools God has made available in our world today, things like medication and counseling, but one tool I have neglected is prayer.
We each have our own stories and struggles that have challenged how we live and trust God. Some struggles help us draw near to Him, but others might make us doubt. This doubt might not be completely obvious. If you were to ask me on any regular day if I trusted God, I would say, “Of course,” with no hesitation. But if I sat down and thought about it, do I actually trust Him?
As Valerie Woerner wrote, we hold back the big things out of fear of a lack of control, whereas the little things we hold back because we think God’s not interested.
This truth hits a little differently after I have actually dug into my own issues. No, I’m not trusting God. In part, I think some of my things are just not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things. On the other hand, I am convinced that I just need to deal with things a little better; after all, others definitely have harder stories than I do. What’s difficult here is that both of those things are, in fact, true. But, they’re not the whole truth.
The truth is that God tells us:
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by your name; you are mine.
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you,
and the rivers will not overwhelm you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be scorched,
and the flame will not burn you.
For I am the Lord your God,
the Holy One of Israel, and your Savior.
I have given Egypt as a ransom for you,
Cush and Seba in your place.
Because you are precious in my sight
and honored, and I love you,
I will give people in exchange for you
and nations instead of your life” (Isaiah 43:1b-4).
In this context, these are words the prophet Isaiah spoke to the people of Israel, reminding them of the character and love of their God. Israel had strayed far, but God remained faithful. For us, it is a reminder that we are God’s beloved children, known and cherished. If we truly trusted that God is who He says He is and that we are who He says we are…it could change everything.
While reading this month’s book (and a bonus book), I was definitely convicted about how I view God, and as a result, how much I limit Him. I had to face the fact that I don’t pray nearly as often as I could, or should, out of fear–fear that I will be asking too much or the wrong things.
Instead, God simply wants to have a relationship with me, and the best way to build a solid relationship is going to be through communication. God reveals Himself to us through His Word, He teaches us who He is, but He also teaches us who we are in Him.
If there’s nothing else I take away from this month, it is simply that God wants me to talk to Him about anything and everything.
A Practice - ACTS
Adoration
Confession
Thanksgiving
Supplication
ACTS is one possible model for prayer. I find it very useful when I’m feeling stuck or unsure how to pray. Not all prayers need to incorporate every component of this method, but it can be helpful if you are uncertain where to begin or what to say.
For adoration, we mimic the beginning of the Lord’s Prayer and turn our focus to the Lord, praising and glorifying Him for who He is.
In confession, we open our hearts to God and quit hiding. We confess where we’ve messed up: accidentally or intentionally.
Thanksgiving is where we express our gratitude for the endless gifts He has bestowed upon us. It can be something as simple as a hot cup of tea (or coffee) to start the day to something more significant like the restored health of a loved one.
Lastly, supplication is when we express our petitions before God. It is important to note that this comes after we have recognized God’s place in our world and lives, we have humbled ourselves before Him through confession, and reframed our mindset with gratitude. Supplication, or petition, can often take center stage in prayer, and I like how this model helps me remember to put God first and get my own heart in order before asking for anything.
While prayers can definitely be spontaneous and unstructured, given my need for structure (see above), I have found this model to be immensely helpful at times.
